


Alone

by sidewinder



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-25
Updated: 1999-05-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 23:37:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/615663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidewinder/pseuds/sidewinder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>post-TPM musings by Obi-Wan</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit being made.

The Jedi Temple on Z'enbarr is as beautiful as always, isolated in the nearly untouched jungles of this lush world. I question, though, if I have made the right decision coming here. I thought the tranquility and solitude might help bring me peace. Instead, this place seems haunted by your ghost, haunted by the memories of the times we spent here together in the past.

Now...it is all in the past.

I tried to honor you, show them you had trained me well. I put on my best face to meet them all, the other Jedi, as they offered their condolences. I nodded and acknowledged them, over and over, though every meeting and ceremony that has passed since... since then. I heard their words reminding me that there is no reason to grieve, because you have merely rejoined the Force, as we all will someday. I try to find comfort in such thoughts, but it is hard...so very hard, Qui-Gon.

How can I find comfort in this emptiness I feel, without you? In the cold nights alone, when you die again every night in my dreams--my nightmares--and I am helpless to do anything but watch, replay every moment. Every mistake. If I had not fallen, if we had not been separated...

I let you down, when you needed me at your side, acting as one. I don't think I can ever forgive myself, even knowing you would not want me to carry this guilt.

So many regrets...so much yet to say, to do. I have passed the trials, but without you there to see me when I became a full Knight, it was a hollow moment at best. Not the victory I always dreamed of, where at last I could look to you and feel as if I were truly on my way to being your equal. We would celebrate and share our joy, looking toward the future...one that is no longer possible. I can't see any future, any reason for one, not without you.

The stars outside my window are blurred by the tears which will not stop falling. Not in the night, not when this emptiness is all I can feel, and I know I would sacrifice anything for the chance to have you near me just once more.

I am a danger to myself, now. And to the boy even more so, I fear. Anakin deserves a better master than I can be for him. I take him on as my padawan, as I gave you my word I would...yet how can I teach him when I am so broken inside? How can I bond with him as is required, when I can barely channel the Force within myself, to heal my own wounds?

I sense a presence nearby--for the briefest moment, hope fills me that it could somehow be you. But I turn from the window and see only the boy, standing in the doorway to the chamber, looking at me with concern.

"I'm sorry, master," he apologizes quickly, seeing he has surprised me.

'Master.' So odd to hear someone call me that. It makes me feel even more lost.

"No, I'm sorry, Anakin," I answer, once I gain control of my voice, slow my ragged breaths. I thought putting him in a separate room to sleep would keep him from feeling my anguish. Mere stone walls, apparently, are insufficient to shield him from my pain, given his powers.

"You miss him. Qui-Gon."

Why do I feel a surge of anger just hearing him speak your name? Foolish, childish. I try to let go of the anger before it can build, and answer him only with a simple, "Yes."

He walks toward me, sits on the edge of the bed. "I miss my mother. Especially at night. I know it's not the same..."

No, it isn't. I have lost half my soul, and all of my heart.

"I didn't think anything could kill a Jedi. What happens to a Jedi when he dies?"

"He rejoins the Force, no longer simply a conduit for its interaction with our world," I answer by rote. "His strength becomes the strength of the Jedi as a whole."

Anakin considers this, but says nothing. The weight of my responsibilities rests so heavy on me when I look at him. It would be difficult enough, taking on any padawan who has not had the benefit of schooling in the Temple. I must teach him everything myself, now, and with only the reluctant support of the Council. And he is not just any padawan. I still question your belief he is the Chosen One, but I cannot deny the power of the Force within him. I cannot let it frighten me...yet it is a struggle.

"We have both been through a great deal, in a very short period of time, Anakin. It will take time to adjust. Forgive your master if I need to heal my own wounds, before I can fully give myself to you as I need to. And I will..."

_...Whatever is left of me to give._

"...I promise you that, as I promised Qui-Gon."

He looks at me, then wraps his arms about my neck, hugging me tightly for a moment. You were right--he gives without thought, trying to offer me support when I am the one who is supposed to be strong. I am thankful when he pulls away before my emotional control breaks once more.

"Good night, Obi-Wan. Master," he corrects himself quickly as he slips off the bed.

"Good night, Anakin." I watch him pad softly out of the chamber, then turn my eyes back to the window, to the stars flickering in the midnight sky.

I have never felt so alone.

END


End file.
